Reflections...

SIGH…

So frustrated…with like everything, with myself, and how im feeling, with everything thats happening personally, i just dont know. i just dont know. the insecurities and worries are getting to be too much for me to handle, and im trying so hard not to let these consume me just like i had said before, and so i just try to have faith & believe but with me trying to ignore the feelings and trying hard to believe i get paranoid still and it hurts more. yes this is only the beginning but because it is the beginning these feelings are so fresh & so strong & should be nourished, & nurtured right? Given some kind of attention to ease them all away as time passes so that in the future they wont be anything to worry about anymore? maybe im just being selfish…but i mean how can you blame me for wanting be selfish right now? I mean im never selfish, at least i dont like to think i am and i know all of this will go away but right now i so want to be selfish even if i know i shouldnt be and that’s why i dont ask for anything to be done because i know that all im going to be told is dont feel that way, and whatever i ask wont happen and will come off selfish and i dont like that. so, i dont say what should be done, i dont ask for what could be done to help me because i dont want to have to ask, and say it, it should already be known or considered what to do because of the knowledge of the given circumstances & fresh emotions that still linger, & the love one has for another person to make things work, & mend all that was broken or lost. I dont want to seem selfish so i keep to myself hoping that prince charming would come along knowing exactly what do because they know that this is how i am. This may be too much to ask for and thats probably why i just keep it to myself. i have selfish thoughts but i never act on them because i know it isnt right, i dont want anything to be misinterpreted as me being a bitch [pinayism] & i like to think that i try keep myself modest & humble with the occasional joking confidence. & so my take on things is doing whatever i know will make others happy. [not when it comes business there is more angles to be looked at, but this is on a more personal affairs kind of level]

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So much has happened, everyone is at fault, realizations are made, closure has been given, & yet im still frustated putting on a facade that i am cool with my life, to be strong for my loved ones because i cannot get myself to look weak in front of others & from this i tend to turn bitter towards all the negativity that comes my way in life that threatens my happiness. Depending on the circumstances, i either go about things in a “fuck it” attitude, or a “get shit done” attitude. It’s not something im proud of…but it gets me by.

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i got what i wanted, im keeping my promise, im trying like i’ve never done before & yet it doesnt feel to be enough for both parties. We have all the time in the world, i feel like we are expecting those promises to happen right away even if we say we know that they wont, but i do acknowlege the improvement that has been made right away but that is different from an emotional disconnection. Plus, my being too selfless gets in the way because i cant get myself to admit my selfish thoughts. so it becomes difficult.

Fuck my life dude…why do i have to be so complicated when it comes to this shit?

“Take me back to the place where we were free

Didn’t have a care in the world you see…

Take me back to where it was good”

-“Take Me Back” by Brick & Lace