Reflections...

All I Want…

All i want is…to have a day without any worries

All i want is…to have a day where my insecurities dont come over me

All i want is….to have a day where i dont randomly burst into tears feeling brought down by a heavy heart and all the pain i have felt

All i want is…to for once not overthink everything, not to think of every possibility,not to think of every consequence possible that will & could potentially hurt me.

I dont know why the fuck i do this to myself….

All i want is…to stop doing this to myself!

All i want is…to be able to just let things be, accept them as they are and ride with it without having to think so much of what could happen.

All i want is…to not be able to look at the computer screen and let the past haunt me

All i want is…to not have to tell someone what to do but bc they feel it and know it they already know

All i want is…to have patience for my life

All i want is…FOR ALL THIS FUCKING PAIN TO GET THE FUCK AWAY! its ruining things for me. This pain could go away but the action that could make it go away would only cause a much deeper gash that would hurt even more that I am not willing to have happen to me. It takes time…i know…but fuck you hurt me with all the things you said! It causes me to question & feel like im not enough, and im not as cool or amazing, im not what you want. you always tell me to be patient with you, but what exactly am i being patient for? patience bc ur not ready for this again? IM TRYING! I DONT THINK I HAVE EVER FOUGHT SO FUCKIN HARD FOR ANYTHING AND IM TRYING SO HARD, and all i ask is for you to do the same but you just go about things so non chalant, like its nothing. what used to have meaning doesnt anymore, like i dont get it. Im confused, because i am told that i am loved,but it is not expressed & maybe im expecting too much but maybe its only because i dont want to be hurt anymore and you are the only one who can help me get over these fears, this pain. I feel like i’ve been so focused on trying that its driving me insane! Im thinking even more about how i act, what i say and how i say and how i do things with you. Then im thinkin bout am i bein the part of me that you said you like and etc….you know what i mean? I feel like im giving all of my love, but then bc of that i want the same, but then you say i dont have to give you everything, n its like is it bc you dont want me to? or bc you dont want to feel like you have to do the same? i dont know, im going crazy….i feel like i am losing myself in this relationship bc i love you so much & i want so bad for you to express how much you love me, and make this relationship work this time around.

Love makes us do crazy things… [& im sure those who read this are thinking that its making me crazy not do crazy things]

We are working things out, and its great! but theres still feels like their is something missing between us? i just cant put my finger on it. or maybe its just all in my head and im making things up because of all these fears. Im so frustrated with myself for feeling like this, and i know you will be to when u read this…but i just felt the need to let it all out.

I SWEAR FML, my mind is a mess, i think i’ve gone insane when it comes to this personal life of mine. I just want this all to go away so i can fully 100% enjoy what i have…bc right now its at an 80-85% and its an ongoing ROLLER COASTER UP & DOWN & UP & DOWN & UP & DOWN I GOO……………

“And yes I know, how lonely life can be
The shadows follow me
And the night won’t set me free”